Lately I feel so much pressure. It feels like time is against us. Constantly in motion of moving forward while it feels like I’m standing still or struggling to keep up. It’s that “Matrix” moments where everything is speeding up around me and I’m in slow motion or frozen in my steps.
Decisions need to be made that feel very overwhelming and overpowering. Many times it feels like we are trying to make decisions that often leave us drained and sapped emotionally and mentally. Weighing out the “pros and cons” and sometimes, many times, feel like we are choosing the “lesser” of two “evils”.
“I can’t” and “no” live in my vocabulary because when every option has been explored and exhausted. Every door feels like they are locked or don’t open to anything more than brick walls. Every road feels like it narrows out to an impassible path or a dead end.
Sometimes it feels like I’m chasing impossiblities. I want to quit. I want to quit fighting and pushing on. I want to, but what example would that give my children? It wouldn’t be the best that I can be and wouldn’t leave a legacy I’d be proud of if I gave up instead of perservering and fighting on. Rest, yes. Quit, no. So they are my inspiration and motivation. Even when it all seems like it’s a pointless affair, I am there pushing forward and not giving up.
But why? I find myself asking that question more and more lately. It feels like being truthful and honest only reward you in Heaven. Here on earth your reward for being like that are thoughts of good intentions, pats on the back, and more headaches. So you just pray that God hears you one more time. Clinging to your faith as best as you can.
It seems that many who get ahead in life (not all) do so by lies, deciet, half truths, and doing whatever it takes. They are the ones that seem to be rewarded with moving ahead. Walking all over the people who are being “bumped” by a flawed system. Mind you I did say not all and it seems. I know many people get their rewards and are honest and good people. It just sometimes feels like it’s not that way though.
It often leads me to feel in moments like that, that I am TOO honest and too intimidated to do “whatever it takes”. I then feel broken inside. Broken by the thoughts of knowing how hard I try and yet still manage to “mess up” and “fail”.
Just stamp my forehead with the label in big read giant letters: FAILURE. One word. It sums up all my feelings lately. I know I shouldn’t “feel” this way. I know I’m probably not. But in those moments of brokeness, it’s how I feel. Especially when it’s days, weeks and leading into months of finding no respite for yourself, you hit a breaking point. When the “trial and tribulations” seem to never end and compound ontop of each other, you wear down thin. Drained of all sources of strength, leaving you vellum thin. Praying to find solutions and answers and trying hard but coming up empty.
Without answers, I feel so lost. And then I realize, I can look up. There is hope. God has left me guidance in the stars above. I may still feel like I’m stumbling through, but I’ve gotten as far as I have by focusing upward and better. Not looking down all the time. So sometimes the best part about being lost, is learning how to rethink and find yourself.
It’s all about what’s important. For me it’s about hope. As long as I can see those stars in the dark, I will have hope. As long as I can still fight, I will. In the end there is a purpose and even if I cannot see it, my children can. They can see that giving up is never an option.