I used to blog every day. Even if I didn’t post it, I was working on it. I tried to not let too many days pass with blog posts. I felt driven to write. I was advocating and educating and learning more about myself every single day. Even when I only had five minutes, I would work on things for those five minutes. It was my tension release and way to work through everything we deal with daily, or feel strongly about.
And then life caught me in a net of unexpected turns. I was hurt by people I trusted and thought were friends and things they said got into my head. I questioned every word I wrote. I wasn’t driven to write any longer and I was scared to write. I’d type. Then delete. Type some more. Delete again.
I was an emotional mess. I was hurt. I was depressed. I was scared to offend anyone else over nothing or what they saw as something. I was in a state of shock at how quickly things were blown out of proportion and I felt like I had free fallen into the side of a mountain. I was injured and didn’t know if I should climb up that mountain or down. I was dazed and confused. These were people I cared deeply about and I felt overwhelmed by so many emotions.
I gave them power to impact who I was in that moment. The thing I worked so hard to achieve and teach my daughter, I allowed them to affect. I had a voice and I gave people the power to take and silence me. I slowly drew into myself. I lived in fear of the memories hiding in the shadows. I lived in fear of what others thought of who I was.
Tonight, I was talking with a friend who basically told me “screw them” and that I needed to write again. I was happier when I was writing and she knew it. She wasn’t the first but I wasn’t ready to deal with that pain and fear. That was until tonight. So with the new chapter in life for my children in starting school tomorrow, it’s time I take some of my own advice. I need to be me and not let others dictate who I am or who I become.
I’m real. I’m raw. I’m emotional at times. I’m passionate and I try to put out things people can understand or relate too. I try to see both sides of issues even when I may not agree with one side. I listen. I hear. And I am who I am. I try to be kind and gentle even when teaching someone that their viewpoint is not mine when it comes to certain topics. And I try to be patient and understanding even when I may get hurt in the end. I try to accept people as they are.
Em’s a lot like me in that regard. She is all about being an advocate and a peacemaker. As well as a teacher and a friend. In the end, she will see the best in people because that’s what she hopes people will see in her.
But don’t misunderstand our kindness as a flaw or an invitation to treat us as a doormat. We will fight for what we believe in. We will stand strong in the public eye even when on the inside we are dying and crying. And when we do collapse in the public eye, we are broken and need time to heal. Some healing won’t take long. Other times, we will need longer to assess our own internal heartache before we can move on. And when that time comes to move on, sometimes it’ll stem from a great friend (or several as in this case) who believe in us so much that they will push us back out of our comfort zone.
Thank you girls! You reminded me that sometimes we just have to not only let things go, but push ourselves back out there and deal with the pain the best way we can: By Being Ourselves.