So, I promised myself to be honest with my readers a long time ago, I’d never sugarcoat it. This last week has been full of challenges for me. Em had a physical and there were some answers that came from the appointment. I know her vitamin D levels are usually low. Well, we built it back up to the low side of normal but she was good. And for some unknown reason, her vitamin D levels fell again. So for now we have to double her dosage for 6 weeks and test again. Then we will go from there. I’ve been this path for a bit with her.
Then we followed up with re-evaluating her back. Em’s been having pain for a bit but we have been keeping an eye on it. Last year we though she was developing scoliosis. So, I knew it was coming, the actual scoliosis diagnosis. I thought I was prepared for it. After all, I’d had a year to prepare for this day. Yet when they confirmed she does indeed have mild scoliosis and what it means for her, I shut down inside.
For me, it reopened all those emotions of when she received her first diagnosis. From there the memories and pain came from a place I try not to dwell, all those years fighting because something wasn’t right. I had raw emotions threatening to spill forth in the most inopportune moments of the day. Even knowing the outcome and the relief and distress of getting her an accurate diagnosis, still couldn’t quash the distress I found myself in.
I want to give my daughter the best that life has to offer. I know she can and will live a pretty normal life and by catching it now we can monitor it. We can help her build good habits and get those core muscles strong and encourage the posture that will facilitate less pain. We are at a place where we can encourage yoga, pilates, and zumba to build core strength and how to watch and know when she needs to step back. She will learn how her body will allow her to move and what isn’t going to work for her.
I get all of that in my brain. Yet at first, it was the heart that took control. I wanted to cry. I was at work so that wasn’t an option. I don’t know why it bothered me quite so much. It was the expected diagnosis and yet I felt like my world was spinning out of control for my not so little baby girl. And I spent the day working through it. I’m getting there. I’m not there yet. But I am getting there. And Em knows she has this back thing. She doesn’t know its name, as she keeps forgetting its name. I’ve talked off and on to her pediatrician’s office and her teacher during our lunches. We have lots to figure out yet.
It’s the added financial stress throwing me for a loop. Every day bills are keeping us barely scraping by. We have medical bills sitting collection that are demanding payments or they will take us to court. We have a van that we pray will last. Yet, we are doing anything and everything we can to give her what she NEEDS. Just the necessities. We say no to things quite a bit.
Therapies are looming in the future. Therapies insurance won’t cover completely until we meet our deductible that is insane. Yet, if it comes to it, we do it. We aren’t alone. Many families just like ours are out there. It should bring me comfort to know that. I think my bank account and bank will not like me all too much in the next two months as we do what we gotta do to survive. And I just hope my anxiety doesn’t get worse. It’s already making me sick.
Back to Em though and what we know: Right now she will have x-rays yearly at a minimum. She will have physical therapy or orthopedic therapy maybe. If she has pain we can use warm compresses and ibuprofen. And in the meantime we are going to build up her core muscles with yoga, pilates, zumba and horseback riding, and other techniques from the doctor.
It was one of the few weeks I spent wondering why she has to endure it all. I don’t know but I know she will be fine in the long run. I’m reminded by many friends and family that I need to step back and do what I have been good at, taking it one day at a time. I sure am trying. Really, I am.