Walls ~ Just a Few Thoughts

Have you ever watched a wall go up in a building? A brick wall built with mortar and bricks. I love watching the process of laying the bricks down and spreading the mortar over it and placing more bricks on top of the layer below. It’s a true craft to master. It’s about learning the balance between mortar and bricks, lining the bricks up so that they stay in a straight line or curve around the right degree if necessary and stay level as well as planning ahead to offset bricks to ensure the strongest wall possible.

Some of us are have mastered the art of mental mason work. We build walls around us to protect us from the world we perceive outside. We put up the walls to protect us mentally, emotionally, socially, and psychologically. Essentially, hiding who we really are and only letting a few in.

I have walls. I have lots and lots of bricks and walls. I reach out to those I deem “safe” to start building trust with, but never letting that guard down. I realize I am always keeping a wall between them and me. Certain people will find the wall isn’t as tall as it is for others. I’ve realized I don’t ever take the wall down completely.

At first I was very angry and upset that there is no one that I know that sees me without my self-defense, the wall. I’ve since realized, I just don’t like conflict so much, that I will hide behind my wall. That is UNLESS it involves my kids, my family, autism, mental illness, or stay at parents and if the environment is appropriate, my faith. If I truly see a fight worth taking on, I’ll take that challenge and fight. I will climb over my wall and will do whatever I can.

I don’t stay there though. I will climb right back to my observation tower ~ hey it’s my wall, I built a tower ~ and engage the world on my terms as best I can. While we are at it, I will tell you that I do have a system that I apparently work from. The people that I allow closer ~ past my moat as apparently my walls create a really complicated castle ~ seems to be the ones that are like me. Hiding in their own castles built by walls they put up to protect themselves from rejection, avoidable conflicts, judgments, being let down, expectations, failure and sometimes even success. Succeeding at something for me is just as terrifying as failing.

The question remains, are these walls necessary? I think that’s a loaded question. Yes and no. The walls are my safety net. I need to keep my walls for self preservation. I keep them for those days I just need to shut the world out and work through what thrown at me. There are some that are shown the way to the lower walls that they see very much who I am and am not. Some family, some friends, and some are just plain fun people that get the battle.

Walls have a place and anyone who has them has their own reasons. As long as they let a few people in to party, in my opinion, it’s all good. So put the drawbridge down over the moat and let a few people in.


One thought on “Walls ~ Just a Few Thoughts

  1. I was nodding my head while reading this post friend. I was actually thinking about posting something like this next as well. It’s so true. This journey with Cooper has completely and utterly changed me. I am sure there is some good…patience, ability to find joy in simple things, etc. But it has also changed me for the worse. I am scared all of the time. Every second of the day. Sometimes I think I might become invisible because of all the worry. I stopped sharing Cooper’s positives with close family because they automatically think he is going to be ok. If I share the negatives they act like I am overreacting. I can’t win. So yes, I have my walls up too. I think it is very normal and very human. HUGS!!!

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